Cooking in the West

Fall is an anxious time of year on ranches, because pre-conditioning, weaning, and shipping are the dreaded days of the year when ranchwives are called upon to sort a lot of cattle with their husbands. It is my hypothesis that there are many ranchers who go to bed at night this time of year without the benefit of having ingested a nice warm dinner. More likely they cooked themselves a frozen pizza or just had cereal.

If you have not sorted a lot of cattle with your spouse, let me explain the dynamics of it. I know that when our founding fathers decreed that we all have the liberty to the pursuit of happiness, they had not just finished the fall sorting with their wives. Usually husbands call upon wives to help them sort cattle only after they have called all their friends and neighbors and had no luck getting help. With no other options, they give their wives a sorting stick and become instantly grouchy.

Next with no or very little briefing on the plan outline, they run several head of cattle down the alley and say something like, “Catch the steer on the far side” just as the entire juiced up bunch comes even with the gate. The odds of catching the right animal with those explicit and well-timed directions are about as good as winning the lottery, so she lets a heifer in with the pen of steers she is holding.

The rancher generally expresses his disapproval very tactfully with a few unprintable words, and after chasing the one heifer around the steer pen for about ten minutes until they get her out, they try again. Pretty much the same scenario is repeated several times; although each time the praises for the gate woman’s efforts become more creative, such as, “Move your feet, woman. You are the one who is always wanting to go dancing!”

As a ranch woman, you know that anything that goes wrong at the corral is your fault even if you were in the house procuring coffee. Your primary purpose is to either open gates or to serve as a gate. You can expect that you will do it wrong, so you might want to wear high quality earplugs. Through earplugs, a phrase like “Not that one, you Idiot!” sounds like “Nwrt Rrwt Nnn Wrr WWdwwt,” and it does not seem nearly as offensive.

Usually the only indication that the cattle sorting is done is when the husband hurls his sorting stick in the direction of the last animal that went in the wrong place. If the wife is wearing ear plugs, it sounds sort of like Alvin and the Chipmunks doing a dream sequence. If the wife is not wearing ear plugs, the indication that cattle sorting is over is usually when she leaves her post, stomps to the outside gate, jerks it open, and marches defiantly in the direction of the house. It is pretty much understood that she is not marching to the house to start dinner.

Eventually the ranch wife cools down and accepts that things said during cattle sorting do not count against the relationship, and she MIGHT begin to cook meals again AFTER she has made her point. Fall treats are a good idea to soothe bruised feelings, and these have become favorite fall treats of mine. Thanks to Shelly Carroccia of Melville, Montana for sharing these recipes for instant forgiveness!

5 Minute Chocolate Mug Cake:

1 coffee mug

4 T. flour (that’s plain flour, not self-rising)

4 T. sugar

2 T. baking cocoa

1 egg

3 T. milk

3 T. oil

3 T. chocolate chips (optional)

some chopped nuts (optional)

small splash of vanilla

Add dry ingredients to the mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes on high.The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don’t be alarmed! Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired. EAT! (This can serve 2 if you want to share! It is fun to watch this cake bake, and it is a good idea since all microwave wattages vary. You can frost it with canned frosting, Cool Whip, hot fudge, or all of the above and top it with ice cream too!)

Shelly Carroccia’s Trailside Oatmeal Treats:

1 C. soft margarine

1 C. peanut butter

2 C. white sugar

2 C. brown sugar, packed

2 t. vanilla

4 eggs

3 C. flour

2 t. baking soda

1 t. salt

5 C. uncooked oatmeal

1/2 C. milk

1 C. chocolate chips

1 C. peanut butter chips

1 C. raisins

1 C. chopped walnuts

1 C. coconut

In a large bowl, cream the first four ingredients. Stir in eggs, milk, and vanilla. Add flour, soda, salt, and oatmeal. Mix well. Stir in chips, raisins, and nuts. Drop on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for 12 minutes.

Peanutty Treats:

5 C. Rice Krispies

1/4 C. margarine

16 oz. marshmallows

1 C. peanut butter

1 C. milk chocolate chips

1 C. butterscotch chips

1 C. M&M’s

Spray a 9 X 13 pan with Pam. Pour Rice Krispies in a pan. Melt margarine and marshmallows together in the microwave. Stir in peanut butter and pour mixture over Rice Krispies. Pat into pan like Rice Krispie treats. Melt chocolate chips and butterscotch chips together in the microwave. Pour over bars. Let sit a few minutes until frosting sets a bit, and then sprinkle with M&M’s. Press M&M’s lightly into frosting so they don’t fall off when cut into bars.