Cooking in the West

I recently accompanied a friend to choose a swimsuit for a cruise she has booked. I do believe the economy must be in much worse shape than we have been told, because the swim suit mannequin was wearing a total of 20 square inches of fabric. Either that fabric was ridiculously expensive or Oakley Inc. must be manufacturing on a very tight budget. The other conclusion was that generations from now, some anthropologist will unearth this fragment of fabric and use it to conclude that global warming had to have been rampant in 2023.

Swimsuit season in Montana is usually only a few days long, but every decade or so I decide to purchase one in case I get brave enough to wear it down to the creek to cool off and soak up a good dose of Vitamin D. There is nothing more depressing than trying on swimsuits, which is why I could relate very well to this internet essay that my neighbor Guelda Halverson sent me. Fortunately for the Halversons, they can’t see our stretch of the creek from their house!

“Buying a Swimsuit” (author lost in cyberspace)

Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has two choices. She can either go to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney’s Fantasia, or she can wander around every department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

I chose option two. I wandered around, made my sensible choice, and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you will be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would suffer whiplash!

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror. My girls had disappeared. I eventually found one cowering under my left armpit. I finally located the other flattened beside my seventh rib. There was no place to house them, so I just molded them into sort of a squished speed bump across my chest. Bravely, I looked in the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fits all right, but unfortunately it only fits those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap. Next, I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a wad of masking tape and a floral two-piece that reminded me of an oversized napkin in a ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane--except if Jane looked like she was pregnant with triplets and having a rough day in the jungle. I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe; I looked like a jellyfish in mourning. Finally, I found a suit that fit. It was a two-piece with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap and comfortable, so I bought it. I went home feeling that my mission impossible had been accomplished. Then I noticed the label that read, “Material might become transparent in water.”

So, if you happen to be near a body of water this year, and I’m there too--I’ll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

In case you are contemplating pouring yourself into a swimsuit, these are a few of my favorite summer salad recipes that won’t necessarily help you lose weight, but they are tasty and technically classified as “salad” so they are guilt free.

Strawberry Pretzel Salad:

1/4 C. butter

3 T. brown sugar

2.5 C. broken pretzel pieces (not too finely crushed)

6 oz. pkg. strawberry Jello

2 C. boiling water

3 C. chilled fresh strawberries or 1 lb. pkg. slightly thawed strawberries

8 oz. pkg. cream cheese (room temperature)

3/4 C. granulated sugar

8 oz. Cool Whip

Combine butter, sugar, and semi-crushed pretzels. Mix well. Put in a buttered 9 X 13 pan and bake at 350 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes. Cool. Dissolve Jello in boiling water. While still hot, add strawberries and allow to set. Cream cream cheese and sugar. Fold in Cool Whip and spread over cooked crust. Pour partially set Jello and strawberries on top. Refrigerate until firm, about 8 hours or overnight.

Frito Salad:

1 can corn, drained

1 can black beans, rinsed and drained

1/2 C. mayonnaise

1 pkg. Chili Cheese Fritos

Mix corn and beans together. Stir in mayonnaise and mix well. Just before serving time stir in Chili Cheese Fritos so they do not get too soggy before serving. You can add other ingredients such as sliced olives, chopped onion, or shredded cheese to dress up this basic salad. Note that you cannot use regular Fritos--they must be Chili Cheese Fritos.

Oriental Coleslaw:

Dressing:

Flavor packet from chicken Ramen noodles

3 T. sugar

1/2 t. pepper

4 T. vinegar

1/2 C. Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Combine and refrigerate until just before tossing and serving slaw.

Slaw:

5 C. shredded cabbage

4 green onions, chopped

Chicken ramen noodles, broken into 1/2 inch pieces

1/2 C. slivered almonds

2 T. sesame seeds (optional)

Just before serving, toss slaw ingredients that have been mixed well with dressing.