Cooking in the West

The cucumbers are coming on strong in the garden, so it seems like a good time to share some ideas for utilizing them. It is also pool and river floating season, so Tip #3 below is particularly timely. I absolutely love tips and hacks, so I try to pass them along without too much commentary, but sometimes I just can’t resist sharing comments about the actual practicality of those tips.

Tip #1. Cucumbers contain Vitamin B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc. Feeling tired in the afternoon? Put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber! Cucumbers can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours. (The only concerns I have about this tip are the words “can provide” and “can last,” because I have a clinical addiction to caffeinated soda. I will try cucumbers, but I am pretty sure that I will suffer a caffeine withdrawal headache that neither lime nor cucumbers will cure!)

Tip #2. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror. It will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance. (Again, I am skeptical, because I know exactly how many minutes I have to get through the shower in the morning, inhale some coffee, and get to work. It seems like it would be faster to defog the mirror by just opening the door and letting the steam humidify the house. I don’t think I have time to wrap myself in a towel, go to the fridge, slice a cucumber, rub it all over the bathroom mirror, and still get to work on time. There definitely wouldn’t be time to enjoy the spa-like fragrance, which I wouldn’t recognize anyway as I have never visited a spa.)

Tip #3. (If this tip works, there will be no cucumbers on the shelf tomorrow!) Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes. The phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too! (As soon as I get to the store, I am buying all the cucumbers they have. It will take that many to cover all my cellulite and wrinkles. I just hope those phytochemicals don’t wear down too quickly. What happens if, for example, I am floating the river and my cellulite starts popping back out. Do I have to quickly reapply emergency cucumber slices? If so, that is kind of an unhandy drawback. Do the cucumber phytochemicals have an adverse reaction to water? I might try this out before I buy up all the cucumbers in the county. If it works, you should be able to tell by looking at me and the empty shelves in the produce section!)

Tip #4. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins, and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache! (Again, I am sure this is great advice, but most people who are going to wake up with a hangover in the morning are not going to be slicing up a cucumber and chowing down on it as they crawl/stagger through their bedtime regimen. In fact, they probably should not be using sharp kitchen utensils in that condition!)

Tip #5. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders, and explorers for quick meals to thwart off starvation. (All I have to say about this tip is that over in Europe they must not have been very good trappers if they had to ward off starvation by finding a cucumber somewhere!)

Tip #6. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don’t have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe. Its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water. (Again, this is a very clever use of a common garden vegetable, but is it really more efficient to obtain a cucumber, slice it up, and shine your shoes than to get out the polish and do it the old fashioned way?)

Tip #7. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone! (OK, what self-respecting household is ever out of WD40 or duct tape? I would be more likely to be out of cucumbers--especially if that whole wrinkle/cellulite cure really works!)

Tip #8. Stressed out and don’t have time for a massage, facial, or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water. The chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams. (OK, if you are a new mother or a college student, try this. If not, I suggest the aforementioned lime tip with the salt and tequila. You could probably garnish the drink with a slice or two of cucumber--preferably before applying them to areas of problem cellulite. However, if you follow my tip instead of boiling a cucumber, you may need to refer again to Tip #4.)

Tip #9. Just finished a business lunch and realize you don’t have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath. The phytochemicals will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath. (OK, this is my absolute favorite tip. I have a big purse, and somehow the mints and gum always migrate to the bottom and are difficult to dig out. If I had only known that all I needed for a cucumber fresh breath was to pack around a cucumber, a paring knife, and a 30 second timer, I would have saved myself a lot of wasted time and effort digging in my purse for all these years!)

Tip # 10. Using a pen and making a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing. This also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls! (Again, I also have White-Out migrating around in the bottom of my purse with the gum and mints. I can now clean out my purse and just keep my cucumber and peeler handy in a special zippered compartment that will stay shiny, squeak-free, defogged, and spa fresh. I am sold on cucumbers!)

I should run some cucumber recipes, but I think I will run some of my favorite summer fun recipes that work well with those children who are running out of ideas for summer fun. Special thanks to my mother-in-law, Carol Metcalf, who lives in Bozeman, Montana and is an amazing cook at 86 years young!

Ziploc Ice Cream:

1 C. Half-n-Half

1 C. heavy whipping cream

1/2 C. sugar

1 t. vanilla

crushed ice

rock salt

toppings, nuts, sprinkles, fruit, etc.

Mix the first four ingredients in a bowl. Pour into two or three one quart Ziploc bags. Remove the air and seal the bag. Seal this bag inside another quart bag. Put the quart bags inside a gallon Ziploc bag. Add 4 cups of crushed ice and 1/2 C. rock salt to each gallon of Ziploc. Using mittens, shake and knead the bag vigorously for about 10 minutes until ice cream is frozen. Remove the bag and gently fold in nuts or fruit or mix-ins of your choice. Add toppings and sprinkles and serve in the bag or share in bowls. (This recipe can be made by using a one pound coffee can duct taped shut inside of a three pound coffee can filled with ice and salt. Roll the can for 10 minutes or until ice cream is set.)

Carol Metcalf’s Sugar Cookies:

1 C. butter

2 C. sugar

2 eggs

1 C. whipping cream

1 t. vanilla

5 C. flour

1 t. salt

1 t. soda

Cream butter, sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Whip one cup of cream and fold into creamed ingredients. Add flour, salt, and soda. Roll soft dough about 1/4 inch thick. Cut out cookies. Bake at 375 degrees for 6 to 7 minutes. Cookies will be fairly soft. Frost with Carol’s Cream Cheese Frosting below.

Carol’s Cream Cheese Frosting:

2 C. powdered sugar

2 T. butter

3 oz. cream cheese, softened

1 t. vanilla

1 T. milk

3 to 4 drops food color

Mix all ingredients. Tint with food coloring. Frost and decorate cookies with candies or sprinkles.