Cooking in the West

Facebook and Google and email are wonderful things, but I believe we are living more fearfully because of them. Every day I receive hundreds of messages, memes, and emails. Some of them are tips from readers who would like me to pass along life altering information. Sometimes, I do try to fact check that information with sites like Snopes.com--even though I have it on good Facebook authority that Snopes is just a husband and wife from southern California who offer their liberal opinions on everything from urban legends to political events. I think it might be simpler to become one of those people who lock themselves in a bathroom and refuse to come out nor allow any media in, because there are so many things I am now afraid to do after being bombarded by all those well-intentioned messages day after day!

I start my day pretty nervous about using my cancer causing deodorant, but I am more afraid of smelling like Secretariat, so I use it anyway. I am afraid that my prayers won't be answered if I don't forward my e-prayers to at least seven friends within the next five minutes. I am afraid to gas up my car not only for the pump pain, because someone might steal my credit card information with a fake card reader probably while someone else is crawling into my back seat. Oh yes, and I will never bend over to pick up a quarter in a parking lot, because someone could be lurking and waiting to grab me when I am bent over. I only buy Lady Stetson in a reputable store, because I never ever want to fall for those guys in the parking lots drugging women who stop to check out their perfume samples.

I am afraid to enter a movie if the lights aren't all the way up, because I am terrified that I will be pricked by an infected needle when I sit down. I am also afraid of head lice and bed bugs, and I am certainly not going to sit on a hotel room bedspread because I have seen what they find on those things under that special black light they use to point out scary things. I am afraid to have a drink anywhere but in my hometown, because I am afraid I will wake up in a bathtub full of ice without one of my kidneys.

I buy envelopes that are peel and seal now even though the flaps don't stick as well, because I received that email about the rat poop in the envelope glue about two hundred times. Speaking of poop, I would really like to give up using mascara made from bat guano, but I don't really remember which ones have it as an ingredient, and apparently that information was inadvertently left off the label.

Every time I shake hands with somebody, I wonder if they have been driving prior to our meeting, because I know from Facebook that the number one pastime of drivers is not texting but picking their noses. I will never touch anyone's handbag, because I am afraid that she has placed it on the floor in a public restroom. I have mastered the art of holding my handbag straps in my teeth in public restrooms. In addition, I never open a public restroom door without using a paper towel, and I drop that paper towel from three feet above the garbage can to reduce the risk of being accidentally inoculated by another one of those pesky infected needles, which according to the worldwide web must be everywhere! Truthfully, I am afraid to use any toilet except my own for fear that there could be a big black snake coiled under the seat waiting to strike me dead instantly, and I sure don't want to lift the lid of every toilet even with a paper towel in my hand, because the snake could strike my hand instead of my posterior, and that would probably kill me quicker since the venom would have less fat to travel through to get to my heart.

Fortunately, I am a Dr. Pepper drinker, because I know that Coca Cola can remove toilet stains and dissolve a ten penny nail in just a few days. (Unfortunately, I don't know how big a ten penny nail is, and I don't want to Google it for fear that it will scare the bejeebers out of me even more!) We won't even go into the harmful effects of diet soda or I shall not sleep a wink again. I cannot drink real lemonade anymore, because I have been emailed about the harmful bacteria that thrive on lemon peels. Just about everything causes cancer including using Cling Wrap in the microwave and maybe even using the microwave period.

I would like to take up flower gardening, but I am afraid I will suffer a bite from a Violin Spider and lose my right hand. I need my right hand, because it would be difficult to check my social media and therefore stay informed about the dangers and evils of the world with just my left hand. I suppose I could call instead of text, but I am afraid I will dial a number for which I will become responsible for an astronomical bill with calls to Uganda or Uzbekistan. I would actually consider locking myself in my bathroom forever--except that I have received that email about not even keeping your toothbrush in the same room with a toilet, so I guess I will just have to face my fears and brave the world outside the bathroom door!

One of the best things about the internet is Pinterest.com. If you love cooking, crafts, art, or have a hobby, you will become addicted to Pinterest. The three autumn recipes I am featuring today came from Pinterest, so sign up and have a fun time pinning!

Apple Enchiladas:

21 oz.. can apple pie filling

6 (8 inch) flour tortillas

1 t. cinnamon

1/2 C. butter

1/2 C. white sugar

1/2 C. brown sugar

1 C. water

Spoon a heaping 1/4 C. pie filling evenly down the center of each tortilla. Sprinkle with cinnamon, and roll up tucking the edges in. Place seam side down in a buttered baking dish. In a saucepan over medium heat, bring the butter, sugars, and water to a boil, stirring constantly. Reduce heat and simmer for 3 minutes. Pour sauce over enchiladas and allow them to sit for 45 minutes. (You may want to make extra sauce to pour over enchiladas when serving them? If so, double the sauce recipe and reserve half for serving). Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees or until golden. Serve with whipped cream or ice cream and top with a sprinkling of cinnamon.

Polar Express Hot Chocolate:

1 1/2 C. heavy cream

1 can sweetened condensed milk

2 C. bittersweet chocolate chips

6 C. milk

1 t. vanilla

Pour all ingredients into a crockpot a few hours before your guests arrive. Cook on high and stir occasionally. When they arrive, the ingredients will have blended into a decadent hot chocolate!

Pumpkin Lust Cake:

1 stick butter, melted

1 C. flour

1 C. chopped pecans

2 T. sugar

8 oz. cream cheese, softened

1 C. powdered sugar

16 oz. Cool Whip

2 small pkg. Jello instant pumpkin spice pudding mix

3 C. cold milk

nutmeg for sprinkling

Combine butter, flour, chopped pecans, and sugar. Press into a 9 X 13 pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 10 to 15 minutes. Cool. Beat cream cheese, powdered sugar, and 1 1/2 C. Cool Whip until smooth. Spread over the crust. Mix pudding mix with cold milk and whisk for several minutes. Put in the refrigerator for 10 minutes to thicken. Spread over cream cheese mixture. Top this pumpkin layer with the remaining Cool Whip. Serve with a sprinkle of nutmeg on top of each square portion. (The Jello instant pumpkin spice pudding mix is seasonal, so you may have trouble finding it.)