Cooking in the West

One of the advantages of writing a weekly column for 27 years is that I have a scrapbook of my life saved on my computer. This week, my grandson Alex turned 12, so I thought I would type "Alex" in the search bar to see what stories came up about Alex in columns. The first one that came up was this one that I wrote right after he was born, and twelve years later I can still remember how it felt to become a grandmother for the first time. . .

I have crossed another threshold in my life's journey by becoming a grandmother, and it has been an enlightening experience! I have had a bit of practice with my three year old step grandchild Izak, but it didn't really prepare me for the arrival of my grandbaby. Other than tolerating hours of "Finding Nemo", learning to count in Spanish with Dora the Explorer, stepping on a few Legos in the middle of the night, and remembering to be excited when he went potty in the big potty, Izak didn't really prepare me much for the birth of Alexander Michael.

His birth has changed my whole lifestyle! For example, I remember that my Grandma Bohlman always smelled like Clorox, and now I do too! I have killed every single bacterium within a 50 foot radius of Baby Alex. Our clothes are fading with every washing, and I am considering having all visitors wear masks and scrubs when they come near him. In addition, I may require fingerprinting and a brief background check before they are allowed to actually hold him.

When we took him to his first doctor's appointment, I learned many things about being a grandmother. First of all, I never really understood those "Baby on Board" signs in cars, but now I do. People just drive too darn fast! I am hauling precious cargo in here, so stop honking at me. The speed limit for cars carrying newborn babies should be 15 mph tops. I surmise that driving around Billings with me gave new meaning to the term "driving like an old grandma," because Brooke who was stoned on Percocet after her C-section tactfully suggested that maybe it would be better if she drove.

When we arrived at the pediatrician's office, a full half hour late due to gross underestimation of the time it takes to get a baby and a mama ready and the maternal grandmotherly need to drive considerably slower than the speed limit, we couldn't get the car seat out of the car. In fact, I don't think anyone short of a mechanical engineer could do it without the diagram, which we had left at home. Finally after pressing all the buttons, pulling all the levers, and tugging on all the straps, we decided to pack him into the doctor's office. This turned out to be a stroke of accidental genius, because Dr. Tapia said, "Oh good, you are carrying the baby. Most people tote them around in those plastic buckets all the time!" Of course, we smiled and nodded and pretended that we had not spent the last fifteen minutes wrestling with a rear facing plastic bucket in the backseat. Score one for lack of mechanical aptitude compounded by the stress of driving in the big city with a baby on board!

Because Brooke had a C-section, it was a great excuse for the Bare family to come home to our house to recuperate for a while. They started out in our guest cabin, but by the third night, they had moved into our house. By the fourth night, the occupants of the main house including the dogs and cat had moved to the cabin, because apparently Baby Alex had his days and nights mixed up. As he is obviously a child prodigy, this is quite understandable. He was born about 9:00 p.m., so that is when he started counting his days. He likes to whoop it up at night and sleep during the day. This is why his grandmother was late to work every single day for two weeks. Perhaps his grandmother is not as young as she once was, because sleep deprivation is not really working for her, as she has begun to speak of herself in the third person among many other strange behaviors such as discovering her misplaced cell phone when she heard the refrigerator ringing.

All in all, grandmotherhood is a blessed experience--especially if I gaze into his innocent little sweet face and try to block thoughts of the astronomical national debt he will be saddled with and the scary world he has embarked into and just focus on selecting an appropriate nickname. This is fairly easy when his last name is Bare. The possibilities are almost endless--Harry (Hairy), Yogi, Boo Boo, Grizzly, Gummy, Cinnamon, Smoky, Teddy, Polar, and my personal favorite to call him in the middle of a sleepless night--Bi-polar Bare!

If you don't have a child or grandchild, find a child to try these recipes with, but my advice is to send them home before nightfall!

Aunt Jean Bohlman's Caramel Corn:

1 C. brown sugar

1 stick butter

1/4 C. Karo white syrup

1/2 t. soda

3 quarts popped popcorn

Boil sugar, butter, and syrup for two minutes. Add 1/2 t. soda. Pour mixture over 3 quarts of popped corn in a large brown grocery bag. Shake vigorously. Microwave on high for one minute. Shake again. Repeat this microwaving and shaking two more times. Pour into a bowl. Separate the clusters, and serve immediately! Add peanuts if desired.

Dirt Pot:

1 lg. pkg. Oreo cookies, crushed

1/2 stick margarine

8 oz. pkg. softened cream cheese

3/4 C. powdered sugar

2 3/4 C. milk

2 small pkgs. instant chocolate pudding

12 oz. Cool Whip

Mix crushed Oreos with margarine. Set aside. Cream margarine, cream cheese, and sugar. Set aside. Mix milk and pudding. Combine with creamed mixture and fold in Cool Whip. Cover the holes in a new 8 inch flower pot by putting tinfoil inside. Layer ingredients beginning with Oreo mixture, then pudding, and ending with Oreo mixture on top. Garnish with artificial flowers and gummy worms. Serve up with garden tools!

Fruit Pizza:

1 pkg. refrigerated sugar cookie dough

8 oz. cream cheese

1/2 C. powdered sugar

1 t. vanilla

fruit for topping (any combination of fresh or canned fruit such as pineapple, mandarin oranges, bananas, strawberries, kiwi, maraschino cherries, etc.) Spread cookie dough in pizza pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes or until browned. When cool, frost with a mixture of softened cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla. Then decorate the top with the fresh or canned fruit and serve in pizza wedges.