Cooking in the West

Calving season has begun on many ranches, and although it is an exciting time bringing all those new lives into the world, it is a stressful time of trying to keep the animals and the humans alive and healthy. This year we are calving in two locations, which stretches our resources fairly thin. Consequently, there is a division of labor that was calculated by someone who flunked math.

Apparently there is an unwritten rule of calving that once the calf is pulled out of the cow, it becomes the responsibility of the ranch wife to keep the calf alive. Often on a ten below zero night, the hot box,the tack room, and probably even the running pickup are already full of warming calves. (With the price of diesel rising daily, there are going to be a lot more calves in bathtubs than there have been in the past.) So the ranch wife gets the calf sled and four wheeler, drags the calf to the house, and wrestles it very ungracefully into the bathtub. She makes a note to herself that as soon as calving is over, she is going to look into getting one of those walk-in tubs.

She sets to work with a whole dryer load of towels and a blow dryer and prays that God will spare this baby. If God is merciful, the calf starts coming back to life in an hour or three. This revival serves to make it a lot harder to get it back out to the barn to its mother, and it involves more praying that the cow will take its baby and show appreciation for all of the human effort that has gone into this nocturnal endeavor and not try to bunt, kick, run over, or chase the human rescuer as she tries to stage a happy reunion. If the happy reunion does not work, the calf has to be fed. Most ranch wives have their own secret recipe which might include powdered colostrum, eggs, whiskey, prayers, two Five Hour Energy Drinks (one for the calf and one for the ranch wife), a drenching tube, and sometimes some swearing mixed in.

If the calf survives a couple drenchings and begins to thrive, it then has to be started on a bottle. This sounds a lot easier than it is. It requires the patience of Job and the back muscle strength of Hercules to successfully start some calves on a bottle. It also usually involves a combination of praying and swearing, which I believe is fairly unique theology mostly employed by ranch women. Hopefully the calf will drink sooner or later and not die of scours or pneumonia so a suitable adoption can be made or the calf can be sold to someone else who wishes to graft a calf or keep a bucket calf.

Starting a calf on a bucket is another wild adventure. My friend, Nancy Bruce, sent me this poem that she had found in her grandmother's handwriting in an old scrapbook. In researching the poem, I found that it had been published in a "Calving Ease" publication and later Country Woman magazine in 1994. Unfortunately, the author is unknown, but it is a classic that school children used to recite back in the one room schoolhouse days.

Teaching a Calf to Drink:

The hardest thing on a ranch I think,

is trying to teach a calf to drink.

You’ll pull and haul, get his head in a pail;

He’ll stand and twist and wiggle his tail;

And the very first thing kerplunk, goes his nose

And most of the milk goes over your clothes.

Hang on to your patience, your teeth you may grit,

If you can’t hold your temper, you might as well quit.

For old Mother Nature whose methods don’t fail,

Never meant for a calf to drink from a pail.

Back him into a corner, straddle his neck,

He won’t damage you much, you’re already a wreck.

Just give him a finger, and maybe with luck,

That little old calf will start to suck.

Pick up your bucket and push his head down,

Then away you go again, around and round.

Just do this a week with your back in a kink,

And maybe by then you’ll teach him to drink!

Nancy also sent some great Mexican recipes with the poem. Thanks, Nancy!

Baked Huevos Rancheros:

1 can (15 oz.) refried beans

1 C, chunky salsa, divided

8 eggs

4 oz. shredded Cheddar cheese

2 C. hand crushed corn tortilla chips

Fresh sprigs cilantro for garnish

Sour cream, If desired

Spray 4 individual casserole dishes. Spread about 1/4 C. of refried beans on the bottom of each. Spoon 2 T. salsa over beans. Make 2 dents in the beans with the back of a spoon. Break 2 eggs into each casserole. Top each with 1 oz. of cheese. Sprinkle about 1/2 C. tortilla chips on top of each. Put casseroles on a sturdy baking sheet. Bake in a 350 degree oven for 15 minutes (soft yolk) and/or 18 minutes (hard yolk).Top each with a spoon of salsa and some cilantro. Serve with sour cream.

Tex-Mex Tortilla Chip Frittata:

8 eggs

1/4 C. water

1/4 t. salt

1/4 t. black pepper

2 C. crushed corn tortilla chips

1 T. olive oil

1 bunch green onions, chopped

1/4 C. (or more) cooked bacon pieces

1/2 C. (or more) Mexican cheese blend

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Whisk eggs with salt, pepper, and water. Stir in tortilla chips and let soak for 5 minutes. Saute onions in hot olive oil for a few minutes. Spread on the bottom of a 7” X 10” Pyrex dish. Sprinkle with bacon. Carefully pour egg mixture over top of bacon. Top with cheese. Bake for 12 to 14 minutes, until set in the center. Serve with fresh cilantro, salsa, and sour cream.

Cheesecake Flan:

1/2 C. sugar

3 T. water

8 oz. cream cheese, softened

3 eggs

1 t. vanilla

1 can sweetened condensed milk

1 can (13 oz) evaporated milk

Caramelize the sugar and water. Pour into a 9-inch round pan. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Put cream cheese, eggs, and vanilla in a blender. Blend until smooth. Add condensed milk and blend again. Add evaporated milk and blend again. Pour over caramelized sugar and set the pan in another pan that has about 1-inch of water in it. Bake for 1 hour. Cool and invert on a serving plate. Chill.