Cooking in the West

After my column about a full brain ran, I received many priceless responses.

First of all, several mathematical geniuses noticed that not only has too much information overfilled my brain, but it also made it dyslexic. It seems that I reversed the 1 and 4 in the tenths and hundredths values of pi (3.141592653589793238.. . which never repeats). Now, I realize this reversal would make a big difference in a mathematical computation of the area or circumference of a circle or the volume of a cylinder, but in case I have to figure something like that out, I will just write my math teacher's phone number on a permanent sticky note and call him up rather than try to store the correct value of pi in my overloaded and apparently dyslexic brain.

I also received various dementia tests and a lot of jokes and advice on aging. I have chosen a few of those to pass along this week. The first is a five question dementia test. Read the questions aloud to someone else to test their level of dementia. This won't work as a test to administer to yourself, because that would simply test your ability to cheat.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as The National Enquirer. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made of glass. If you said "glass" go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. Anyway, during the flight, two engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus; in Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name--you are driving a bus.

If you failed the dementia test, at least you can enjoy these new bumper stickers on aging:

#1. Senior Campbell's New Large Type Alphabet Soup

#2. I'm not old. I'm chronologically gifted!

#3. At my age, flowers scare me!

#4. I'm so old that whenever I eat out, they ask me for money up front.

#5. Support Bingo--keep Grandmothers off the streets!

#6. My wife always gives me sound advice: 99% sound. . . 1% advice.

Lastly, my friend Grayce Sivigny sent me a Maxine cartoon about not arriving at death's door with a well preserved properly maintained body, but rather skidding in sideways with a chocolate bar in one hand, a glass of wine in the other, and screaming, "Whoo hoo, what a ride!"

When I showed the cartoon to my husband, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, well, I don't think you could get going fast enough to go into a skid!" Yes, we joke about his large life insurance policy, but many will seriously question any "accidents" that might befall him!

Donna Faber from Miles City, Montana, sent me the following letter and Irish recipes for St. Patrick's Day. Donna wrote, "My grandmother, Susan Quinn Haughian, came to Montana from Ireland as a young bride in 1905. She had limited experience with cooking, but it didn't take long for her to figure out how to cook for a large crew of men and a family of ten. Washing in 'hard' water was a concept new to her; fortunately, the few neighboring women helped her with that. Keeping supplies in stock was another challenge. At that time, salesmen from Chicago would come out, take orders for food supplies, and send the food by train by hundred-pound lots. Meals consisted mostly of cornmeal and oatmeal porridge, cabbage, onions, carrots, potatoes, turnips, and fresh and salted meat.

She would buy flour by the ton and could make 20 loaves of bread at a time in her bread mixer. She loved to go with her husband Dan to stock all the sheep wagons around their ranch, many times mixing the bread before she left and working it down as they traveled; she would bake the bread at the sheep wagons.

Grandma Susan was famous for her quick Irish wit as well as her Irish Soda Bread; the recipe has been passed down through the generations. It doesn't resemble most soda breads seen in recipe books today, even Irish ones; it is not sweet, and it doesn't have any added fruit."

Grandma Haughian's Irish Soda Bread:

Have the ungreased griddle heated so it will brown dough. Sift together 2 C. flour, 1 t. salt, and 1 scant t. baking soda into a bowl. Add enough beaten sour milk to make a fairly soft dough. Knead lightly on a floured board and roll out 1/2 inch thick, in a circle. Cut wedges and put on a hot griddle until brown; turn and brown the other side. Then stand each wedge on its edge a few minutes to brown. Cool by leaning against each other. Serve hot or cold, buttered or with jam.

Irish Cream:

1 C. heavy cream

14 oz. sweetened condensed milk

1 2/3 C. Irish whiskey

1 t. instant coffee granules

2 T. chocolate syrup

1 t. vanilla extract

1 t. almond extract

In a blender, combine all ingredients. Blend on high for 30 seconds. Stored in a tightly sealed container in the refrigerator, it will keep for 2 months. Shake well before serving.

Colcannon:

1 lb. cabbage or kale

1 lb. potatoes

2 leeks

1 C. milk

salt and pepper to taste

1 pinch ground mace

1/2 C. butter

Boil cabbage until tender. Remove and chop, but set aside to keep warm. Boil potatoes until tender. Remove from heat and drain. Chop green parts and white parts, and simmer them in milk until soft. Season and mash potatoes well. Stir in cooked leeks and milk. Blend in cabbage or kale until the whole thing is a green fluff. Make a well in the center and pour in the melted butter. Mix well and serve.