Cooking in the West

School is about to start, which means teachers are having back to school dreams, kids are buying supplies and clothes, and parents are celebrating the fact that they made it through summer vacation.

As an English teacher I am so excited to see that the Alberta Bair Theater is opening up again this year, and one of their performances is "Schoolhouse Rock Live." Two generations of students that passed through my classroom can sing all eight of the parts of speech songs by heart, and I know for sure what everyone on my Christmas list is getting for Christmas--tickets to the live performance of Schoolhouse Rock!

My term as County Superintendent ends at the end of 2022, and one of the first things I am going to do after I retire is write a fun book about grammar, because I truly admire the manual, "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves'' by British author Lynne Tuss. It is a lighthearted book about punctuation that has sold over 2 million copies! I am sure my grammar book will sell at least 2 copies--the two I buy for my adult children.

On second thought, maybe I should write a book about math instead, because while I often find practical uses for sentence diagramming, I have yet to find a practical application for graphing linear equations. Don't get me started on the hours I spent balancing chemical formulas, which I have used exactly zero times in my lifetime.

The title of Lynne's book came from a punctuation joke that goes as follows: A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun, and fires two shots into the air. The startled waiter asks the panda why he did that. As the panda walks out the door, he produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it to the waiter. "I'm a panda," he replies. "Look it up!"

The waiter turns to the entry and reads what turns out to be an explanation. "Panda. Large black and white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

So you see, I believe the publishing world is ripe for a humorous take on math. Lynne's book has inspired me to contemplate a humorous book about the laws of mathematics, which has potential to be really funny since I taught English. Math was never my favorite subject... although I did complete 6 quarters of college calculus back when I was going to be an agricultural engineer. You can tell that there is something wrong with the logic area of my brain, because if I had stayed in engineering rather than going into the highly rewarding field of teaching junior high English, I would have made roughly 2.657893 times more money every year for the 41 years of my career in education. Just think of the land payment we could be making if I would have graduated in engineering instead of education!

Most of the material from my book will come from helping my own children with their math homework. For example, my son Bret actually brought his book home one night for help in freshman algebra. Apparently there had not been time in class to copy the answers from the smart girl in front of him. Instead of getting on the phone or the computer and asking the smart girl for answers, he resorted to the old-fashioned way of doing homework - asking his mother for help. The word problems dealt with the Pythagorean theorem or maybe it was the theory of relativity or the conservation of matter or one of those really important thingamabobbers that you memorize and then never use ever again in your natural lifetime (thank God!). Anyway, we were blissfully computing the length of the ladder leaned against the wall, when it hit us. If the stupid ladder is too short at a 50 degree angle, just move the base of the ladder closer to the wall. This increases the angle and the height that you can reach. If that doesn't work, go ahead and stand on tiptoes on the top rung that says, "Don't stand on this rung," which is really just a safety suggestion for sissies. If you are careful to have someone strong hold the ladder and your medical insurance is adequate, there should be no long-term consequences.

So, Bret articulated that simple solution in complete sentences, and I edited it for grammar and punctuation. Sadly, the algebra teacher did not give points for creative problem-solving nor sentence fluency, which had one unexpected benefit, however. Due to our score on that assignment, I was not asked to help on algebra homework thereafter!

A lot of math is completely frivolous. If Eugene wants to know how much carpet to buy to cover so much area of his living room, all he has to do is call up the carpet place. They will tell Eugene exactly how to measure the room, or they will gladly send someone over to do it for him. He doesn't have to know anything about area and square footage and square yardage; he just has to know how to dial the phone.

Story problems kill me! If Sally has 600 sheep, and 33.3% of them disappear, she has a bigger problem than figuring out how many sheep she has left. She either has to fire the herder or start shooting herself some coyotes or wolves. What is wrong with the people who write these textbooks? There is no point in calculating the percentage of loss by using those really nifty cross multiplying skills, because the bottom line is that she is bankrupt, and it sure doesn't take a calculator to figure that out!

I could hardly wait for sophomore geometry, because it gave me a lot of great material for my book. I know a lot about signs, I am experienced at co-signing, and I positively excel at tangents, so I am ready to start cranking out my mathematical humor! If I can sell two million copies of my book "Completely Discalculated," there is a high probability that we can keep ranching for several more years, but I am working on a formula to prove that computation for sure!

My featured cook this week is Isabel Huff from Porthill, Idaho and my friend Deb Andras from Checotah, Oklahoma. I am running these recipes in the nick of zucchini time in our neighborhood--that is the time of year when I don't dare leave my car unlocked or I will return to find it "squashed"!

Isabel's Chocolate Zucchini Cake:

Mix together:

3 C. shredded zucchini

1 C. white sugar

1 C. brown sugar

1/4 C. vegetable oil

3 T. melted butter

2 beaten eggs

1 t. vanilla

1/2 t. brandy flavoring

1/2 C. chopped walnuts

Sift together:

2 C. flour

1/2 C. cocoa

1 t. salt

2 t. soda

2 t. cinnamon

Add dry ingredients to the zucchini mixture and beat for one minute. Bake in a 9 X 13 pan at 350 degrees until a toothpick comes out almost dry. This cake is very moist, and it is good unfrosted.

Deb's Zucchini Fritters/Sandwich:

2 C. grated zucchini

1 large egg

1/2 C. grated Parmesan

1/4 C. cornstarch

2 T. butter

minced garlic to taste

salt and pepper to taste

2 C. shredded Cheddar cheese

Squeeze excess moisture out of the zucchini. Place dry zucchini in a small mixing bowl. Add egg, Parmesan, cornstarch, salt, and pepper. Mix with a fork until well combined. Melt butter with garlic (amount to taste) in a pan or skillet over medium heat. Scoop 1/2 of the zucchini mixture onto one side of the pan and shape into a small square. Repeat to form another patty on the other side. Cook 3-4 minutes, then flip both patties. Add shredded cheddar cheese. Cook for another 3 minutes, until the zucchini “bread” is toasted and crispy on the outside and the cheese is melted. Put one patty on top of the other to make a sandwich.

Deb notes that if you don't want to make the fritters into a sandwich, just fry them and serve them without the cheese, but they do make a delicious alternative to a grilled cheese sandwich with bread.