Cooking in the West

I absolutely love kitchen tips, and I try to pass them along without too much commentary, but sometimes I just can't resist sharing comments about the actual practicality of those tips. For example, Martha Stewart claims that if you have a headache, you should rub a cut lime on your forehead. That might work, but it is a bit messy when there is a large body of research that suggests that if you add salt and tequila to the cut lime and ingest it, all of your aches and even your worries will go away!

My friend Julie Kinsey e-mailed me a piece on the amazing cucumber that had appeared in the New York Times several years back. At the risk of causing a run on cucumbers at local grocery stores, I will pass the best ones along to you. Please forgive me, but I couldn't resist editorializing just a skosh about each tip. Thanks, Julie!

Tip #1. Cucumbers contain Vitamin B1, B2, B3, B5, B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc. Feeling tired in the afternoon? Put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber! Cucumbers can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours. (The only concerns I have about this tip are the words “can provide'' and "can last", because I have a clinical addiction to caffeinated soda. I will try cucumbers, but I am pretty sure that I will suffer a caffeine withdrawal headache that neither limes nor cucumbers will cure!)

Tip #2. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror. It will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance. (Again, I am skeptical, because I know exactly how many minutes I have to get through the shower in the morning, inhale some coffee, and get to work. It seems like it would be faster to defog the mirror by just opening the door and letting the steam humidify the house. I don't think I have time to wrap myself in a towel, go to the fridge, slice a cucumber, rub it all over the bathroom mirror, and still get to work on time. There definitely wouldn't be time to enjoy the spa-like fragrance, which I wouldn't recognize anyway as I have never visited a spa.)

Tip #3. (If this tip works, there will be no cucumbers on the shelf tomorrow!) Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes. The phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too! (As soon as I get to the store, I am buying all the cucumbers they have. It will take that many to cover all my cellulite and wrinkles. I just hope those phytochemicals don't wear down too quickly. What happens if, for example, I am floating the river and my cellulite starts popping back out. Do I have to quickly reapply emergency cucumber slices? If so, that is kind of an unhandy drawback. Do the cucumber phytochemicals have an adverse reaction to water? I might try this out before I buy up all the cucumbers in the county. If it works, you should be able to tell by looking at me and the empty shelves in the produce section!)

Tip #4. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins, and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache! (Again, I am sure this is great advice, because most people who are going to wake up with a hangover in the morning are not going to be slicing up a cucumber and chowing down on it as they crawl/stagger through their bedtime regimen. In fact, they probably should not be using sharp kitchen utensils in that condition!)

Tip #5. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders, and explorers for quick meals to thwart off starvation. (All I have to say about this tip is that over in Europe they must not have been very good trappers if they had to ward off starvation by finding a cucumber somewhere!)

Tip #6. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe. Its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water. (Again, this is a very clever use of a common garden vegetable, but is it really more efficient to obtain a cucumber, slice it up, and shine your shoes than to get out the polish and do it the old fashioned way?)

Tip #7. Out of WD-40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone! (OK, what self-respecting household is ever out of WD-40 or duct tape? I would be more likely to be out of cucumbers--especially if that whole wrinkle/cellulite cure really works!)

Tip #8. Stressed out and don't have time for a massage, facial, or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water. The chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams. (OK, if you are a new mother or a college student, try this. If not, I suggest the aforementioned lime tip with the salt and tequila. You could probably garnish the drink with a slice or two of cucumber--preferably before applying them to areas of problem cellulite. However, if you follow my tip instead of boiling a cucumber, you may need to refer again to Tip #4.)

Tip #9. Just finished a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath. The phytochemicals will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath. (OK, this is my absolute favorite tip. I have a big purse, and somehow the mints and gum always migrate to the bottom and are difficult to dig out. If I had only known that all I needed for some cucumber fresh breath was to pack around a cucumber, a paring knife, and a 30 second timer, I would have saved myself a lot of wasted time and effort digging in my purse for all these years!)

Tip # 10. Using a pen and make a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing. This also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls! (Again, I also have White-Out migrating around in the bottom of my purse with the gum and mints. I can now clean out my purse and just keep my cucumber and peeler handy in a special zippered compartment that will stay shiny, squeak-free, defogged, and spa fresh. I am sold on cucumbers!)

Of course, I want to run my favorite cucumber recipe and two of my most often requested recipes for window cleaners, because apparently as versatile as cucumbers are, they are not touted as window cleaning miracles. Thanks to Laura Cowell of Big Timber, Montana for sharing these window cleaner recipes with me long ago!

Old Fashioned Cucumber Salad:

2 medium cucumbers, thinly sliced

1/3 C. cider or white vinegar

1/3 C. water

2 T. sugar

1/2 t. salt

1/8 t. pepper

Pinch dill weed or parsley, optional

Place cucumbers in a bowl. Shake remaining ingredients in a tightly covered container. Pour over cucumbers and chill for at least 3 hours to blend the flavors.

Laura's Outside Window Cleaner:

1/2 gallon warm water

1 T. liquid Jet Dry (for dishwashers)

2 T. Cascade detergent

Mix well. Spray outside windows with a nozzle and garden hose. Apply cleaner with a scrub brush. Spray again with clean water, and Presto, you will have clean windows without wiping!

Laura's Inside Window Cleaner:

1 pint rubbing alcohol

2 T. ammonia

2 T. Ivory dish soap

Mix in a gallon jug. Add warm water to make one gallon. Pour in a spray bottle and apply to windows. Dry with newspaper.