Cooking in the West

A few years back, a young man came to the ranch to learn all he could about cowboying during calving season. Of course, I talked him into writing a guest column for me to chronicle his experience. The following story chronicles his impression of ranch life on our outfit.

My name is Bryan Bade. I am from St. Louis, Missouri, and I am spending two months on the Metcalf Ranch learning as much as I can about ranching and cowboying.

I have learned so much I could write a book, but Susan told me this can only be 1000 words long. The first day when I arrived in a terrible snowstorm, there was a cow having a backwards calf. My experience began right after I signed a paper called an "Acknowledgment of Risks." That should have been my first clue that this was going to be a high adventure. All I can say about watching my first calf being pulled backwards is that I am very glad I was not born a cow! In fact, I was deathly afraid of cows for the first week. I used the four wheeler for my safe house.

I had come to Montana after a couple riding lessons with a bunch of little girls in an arena. The first thing I learned is that you don't do an English riding dismount on a ranch without raising some eyebrows. The second thing I learned is that although horses are not carnivores, they can be incredibly intimidating. The person designated to teach me about horses was Saundra. The first morning we went out to run the horses into the corral. She sent me back to the corral on the four wheeler while she rode Jose bareback to bring the horses in. The next time I laid eyes on her, she looked like she had barely survived a horse attack. Her hair was sticking out all over, she had dirt on her face, and her pants were grass stained. She didn't say much except that she and Jose had "parted ways." I've got to tell you that didn't lower my intimidation level at all. I kept a firm grip on the saddle horn all that day.

Later, I witnessed Jose parting ways with another person. I understand it is a tradition in this column to call people that might retaliate by their initials, so we will call him Bret Metcalf. It was a cold morning, and we were hurrying to the Hobble Diamond's branding; After we fed the cows, Bret caught Jose, and jumped on bareback to run the rest of the horses to the corral. I did not know a horse could throw someone straight up in the air feet first, but they can. Bret came down in the mud with the halter rope still in his hand. Jose stepped on his hand, but it was in a muddy ditch so the bones didn't break. Bret got up and hopped right back on--maybe so Jose wouldn't notice he had fallen off or maybe because he is crazy. . .but Jose threw him even higher this time. This time when they both came down, Jose's foot grazed Bret's back with a long ugly hoof print and then got caught in his belt. He broke Bret's belt and bucked away. I thought we were probably going to the Emergency Room, but we caught the horses, saddled them, and went to the branding instead.

I remember being awestruck by my first branding. Little kids were wandering around eating Rocky Mountain oysters that had just been in the calf. They popped them on the branding stove for a few minutes to blacken them and then ate them. Little calves are amazingly strong, and they kick amazingly hard, but you would too if someone was trying to harvest your oysters for a mid-morning snack! I didn't know that most of the wrestlers were from the 4-H judging team, and they were earning a donation for their team that day. I kept hearing comments about the "judging team."

Finally, after a calf ran through the branding stove causing fire to shoot everywhere, and I got sprayed with very cold propane, I had to ask Susan, "What are we being judged on?" She asked me if I was sure I wasn't Norwegian. I never really got that Norwegian thing until I finally realized that any time I did something the hard way, someone would make a comment about my Norwegian ways. With sincere apologies to all of the really welcoming Norwegians I have met around Big Timber, I think I finally get what being Norwegian means!

I have been drug around the pasture by a large angry cow on the end of the rope with Remi yelling at me to tie her to that tree, and by tree he meant a small clump of chokecherry bushes that popped out of the ground. I was awakened at 1:00 a.m. to pull debris out of a flooding ditch in my knee high muck boots when the water was thigh deep. I had flown down the county road at 75 m.p.h. in the passenger seat when Susan had called for help pulling a calf. I admit my eyes were closed, but I am pretty sure we were airborne when we crossed the cattle guard. I have learned how to do drive-by shootings of prairie dogs with a shotgun. I have learned that you don't have to wear khakis to play golf at the Overland Golf Course, but cowboy boots are not allowed. I learned that I hope someone hires me so I can keep on cowboying!

With branding season in full swing, it is time to run some recipes to help make branding day meals extra special.

Never Fail Pie Crust:

3 C. flour

1 1/3 C. lard

Mix together with a pastry blender until it resembles bread crumbs.

Add:

1 t. vinegar

1 beaten egg

1 t. salt

5 T. cold water

Mix just until it comes together. Makes two thick crusts or four thin ones.

Yeast Rolls:

1 pint milk, scalded

Add:

4 T. shortening ( Cris uses butter flavored)

4 T. sugar

2 t. salt

Let cool until lukewarm. In a large bowl, put a cake of yeast and 1 T. sugar in 1/2 C. warm water. When milk mixture is lukewarm also, add it to the yeast mixture. Then add 1 C. of flour at a time until it becomes a sticky dough. Normally this takes 4 to 6 cups. Let rise in a warm place until it doubles in size. Punch down. Take a small handful and roll into a ball or other shape you desire. (You can flatten the dough and put a small pat of butter in the center before folding it over.)

Place on a baking sheet and let rise again. Bake in a 375 degree oven for about 10 - 12 minutes or until golden brown.

Beer Dip:

two 8 oz. bricks cream cheese, softened

1/3 C. beer or nonalcoholic beer

1 pkg. ranch dressing mix (not dip mix as it will be very salty)

2 C. shredded Cheddar cheese

Beat cream cheese, beer, and ranch dressing together. Fold in cheese. Serve with pretzels, crackers, veggies, or chips.