Cooking in the West

by Susan Metcalf

One of the nicest compliments I receive is when readers tell me that they have hung my column on their refrigerator or mailed it to someone (often anonymously) to try to make a point humorously and semi-tactfully. Since we are going into the holiday feast season, I am often asked to re-run my house rules for holidays that might serve as a gentle reminder of family dinner etiquette. However, this year is like no other year, so these have been adapted for Covid Holidays!

Grouchy Grandma's House Rules for the Covid Holidays:

#1. I'm not dead yet. Holidays are still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, please consider moving heaven and earth to be with me for the holidays. . . unless I have told you that I want to isolate or quarantine. If I tell you that, please respect my wishes. If I invite you to my home, I have made an informed choice, so I hope you will come and do whatever we need to do to stay safe such as wear masks, avoid hugs, sanitize, and stay 6 feet apart. If I invite you to the holidays it is because I am more willing to risk getting Covid rather than dealing with loneliness and depression. If you are sick, stay home, but if you are not sick or in quarantine, I will let you know what you can bring to dinner! (If you do not feel comfortable coming to dinner, you should know I was just joking about my will, so you decide what is best for you!)

#2. If I say, "Dinner is at 2:00!" that does not mean 2:05 or 2:15. It wouldn't hurt for you to arrive a little early to help an old lady with the preparations, now would it?

#3. The turkey will be roasted in the oven not fried in one of those contraptions filled with $90.00 worth of peanut oil that could ignite and burn down the garage. How in the world am I supposed to conjure up a gallon of gravy if we deep fat fry the bird? Don't even suggest those little gravy packets!

#4. Other than turkey, options might include prime rib, shrimp, or ham. There is no vegan entree, so invite your guests accordingly. In this family, we have canine teeth that would impress Little Red Riding Hood. There are side dishes that may or may not be vegetarian because they might include ham or bacon (see # 9) and oh yes, the pie crusts are made with lard!

#5. Please do not arrive at my house needing to use the oven and the stove--I am using the oven and all the burners on the stove. Bring your own heating device--a crockpot, electric frying pan, griddle, barbecue, or build a campfire if you need BTU's!

#6. Paper plates and plastic cups might be bad for the environment, but I will be gone soon and you will have to save the earth from climate change without me, so we will use a few of them along with my finest dishes, because my blankety blank Energy saving dishwasher has to run 110 minutes per load. My old dishwasher would run two holiday loads in 90 minutes--now how is running over twice as long going to save energy? Please do not forget to help with clearing the table and helping with the dishes--this is not a restaurant--it is a family bonding experience!

#7. During dinner, please put your cell phones in the mud room. Trying to text inconspicuously under the tablecloth is just not polite.

#8. Grandmothers give children cookies and candy. That is just one of the facts of life. (Remember that talk we had about "the facts of life?" Yeah, me neither!) They can eat healthy at your house the other 364 days of the year!

#9. Bacon is a mainstay of holiday cooking. It has not completely clogged my arteries yet, so apparently wrapping everything in bacon is a grand holiday tradition!

#10. It is acceptable to get your phone from the mud room to take pictures and videos. Take lots, because I want the slideshow at my funeral to be lengthy and memorable. I would appreciate it if you would become proficient at Photoshop, so you can hack 30 pounds and 30 years off of me before you project images of me up on the screen at the funeral. I would like to preview it and add music and subtitles to it before I kick the bucket if that can be arranged.

#11. If your pet MUST accompany you to dinner, it MUST either stay in the car, be tied or kenneled, or take its chances outside with the coyotes, because it is not welcome in my house during dinner.

#12. I am old, so I have learned to always say what I mean. If I say that you don't need to bring anything, you can take me at my word. If I ask you to bring something, please bring it in a quantity that will serve our entire clan plus several uninvited guests.

#13. Speaking of uninvited guests. . . feel free to bring anyone who needs a holiday meal, but do screen them for Covid safety. If you are not fairly sure they are Covid safe, we can prepare a plate for you to deliver to their door. However, please call me with a headcount before I peel the potatoes or set the table. Don't email or text or personal message me--I am too busy cooking to check those, but I am not completely deaf so I can hear the phone when it rings!

#14. Do not dare to talk about religion or politics--especially if you disagree with me on either topic. I cannot afford to elevate my blood pressure and risk popping a vessel somewhere. Suggested safe topics include the weather, amusing anecdotes about your job or your kids, or perhaps elaborate upon your undying admiration for me.

#15. Holidays are about love of family. You don't have to like everyone in this family, but you do have to love them!

Holiday baking time has arrived. Darrel (Smokey) and Patty Kisler, who are faithful readers from Warden, Washington sent this great zucchini recipe for holiday baking, which has become one of my favorites. Thank you Kisler family! If you have favorite holiday recipes, please send them to me at [email protected] or post it on my Facebook page "Cooking with Susan Metcalf", and I will be sure to share them during the upcoming holiday season!

Kisler's Chocolate Zucchini Bread:

Beat:

3 eggs

1 C. oil

2 C. sugar

1 T. vanilla

Add:

2 C. flour

1/2 t. baking powder

1/2 t. salt

1 t. baking soda

1/4 C. cocoa

Stir in:

2 1/2 C. peeled grated zucchini

2/3 C. chocolate chips

1/2 C. nuts (optional)

15 maraschino cherries, cut in half

1 T. maraschino cherry juice from jar

Bake in 2 greased loaf pans at 350 degrees for one hour plus 5 minutes.

Mother's Maraschino Cherry Bars:

Mix and pat into an 8 inch square pan:

1/2 C. butter

1 C. flour

2 T. powdered sugar

Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.

Mix:

1 t. vanilla

1 C. sugar

2 eggs, beaten

3/4 C. coconut

1/2 t. baking powder

1/2 C. flour

2 small bottle of maraschino cherries (chopped) and juice

chopped walnuts as desired

Spread cherry mixture over crust. Return to the oven and bake for 30 minutes.

Cut-out Cookies:

1 C. butter

1 C. sugar

1 egg

1 t. baking powder

2 T. orange juice

1 t. vanilla

2 1/2 C. flour

Mix first six ingredients with a mixer until fluffy. Stir in flour by hand until well mixed. Chill dough 3 hours until firm enough to roll to 1/4 inch thickness. Cut with cutters. Bake 8 to 10 minutes at 400 degrees until the edges of cookies are light brown. Frost and decorate with buttercream icing: Combine 3 C. powdered sugar, 1/3 C. butter, 1 to 2 T. milk or cream (to spread consistency), and 1 t. vanilla. Mix until smooth, and add coloring if desired.