Cooking in the West

Chris Young had a hit country song a few years back entitled "I Hear Voices", and I think it was written for me! The first line is, "You can say I'm a little bit crazy. You can call me insane." Of course, these things are true, but he goes on to describe these voices of his ancestors in his head. Not only do I have those, but it is fall cattle working season so I am dealing with voices ringing loudly in my ears--despite my suggestion a few columns back that masks would help muffle the sounds of families working cattle.

There are a lot of old ranchers running around with hearing aids. I always felt sorry for them, but lately I am starting to envy them! I have written often about the noise and frustration level of working cattle with my spouse, but that pales in comparison to working with my son! My son Bret is (in my unbiased opinion) a top hand. His only problem is that he is 32 years old, which as everyone knows falls within the range of the Age of Wisdom, which is roughly age 16 to 35. In his infinite wisdom, he has forgotten who taught him most of what he knows about cattle and horses. Combine that with a corral full of muck, a worn out mother with a bad knee, a couple high headed cows, and you have a recipe for hearing voices that even a deaf person could hear!

For example, the last time we were sorting the two and three year olds off from the old cows in a muddy corral, I heard a lot of voices. Funny thing about those voices though is that I know I had heard them somewhere before such as from the time Bret was old enough to start working cows with us. Parents who ranch do a lot of yelling as they mold their kids into cattlemen/women and horsemen/women. In our defense, we have to yell to be heard over bawling cattle, great distances, and the wind in our children's ears as they run around horseback. There is a short period of time when we realize the fruits of our yelling labor--our kids become accomplished hands, and we are so proud of our creation.

Apparently we have now moved on to the next stage where the yeller becomes the yellee and vice versa. I surmise this is the stage where the old ranchers either pretend they are deaf or turn off their hearing aids. Yes, I have now become the yellee, and the following are classic examples of the voices I hear from my yeller. "What are you doing? You just let a 900 cow by you!" is the voice that rings in my ear. My answer, which rings in my head, but does not come out audibly is, "I am slogging through knee deep mud when at my age I should be in the house eating bon bons and watching soaps. I can't tell a 900 from an 800 from a 600 because they don't make Y-Tex tags that large. They would have to hang down to the cow's knees for me to be able to read those as she runs over me, but thanks for asking!"

Another voice that rang out was, "Mom, step back from the gate. You're too close, but don't let any old cows past you!" The voice in my head mumbles, "If I step back from the gate, every old geriatric cow in the place could get past me before I could stop her. I am an old woman. I cannot outrun a cow in these fifty pound muck boots. More accurately, I could not outrun a stifled cow if I had track cleats. If I step back from the gate, you might as well run all of them in. But thanks for the little tip!"

Most recently, a voice rang out as he let a heifer out of the maternity pen head catch, "Watch out! She's gonna be on the fight! You had better get on the fence--oh are you all right?" The voice in my head as she hit me a glancing blow as I clung to the top rail of a steel panel sneered, "Thanks for the warning. In the future, remember that I carried you in my belly for nine months and changed your dirty diapers for two full years . Next time, give me at least a ten second head start to climb over the fence! Next time--what am I saying? I am ready to sell your inheritance and move to Tahiti where I don't think they have hardly any cows!"

Then there is my personal favorite voice, which is, "If you're not going to ride him, get off him!" which is said every time he authoritatively commandeers my horse (or in some cases my four wheeler) leaving me afoot. The voice in my head laughs, "OK, this one I deserve. I can think of quite a few times when I stole your horse out from under you--but it was only because you were riding the best horse. In retrospect, perhaps I should have phrased it more politely and sensitively! However, just how am I supposed to get home before dark?"

I know what the next phase in our working relationship will be, and I am looking forward to it. When Bret's grandfather no longer rode horses, he rode the four wheeler and gave cattle moving instructions via cell phone. The phone would ring and Roy's voice would say, "Cut out that cow that lost her calf in the creek. I don't know her number, but you can tell which one she is because she's dry!" Bret is going to dodge that bullet though, because we have spotty cell phone service on Deer Creek and none whatsoever at the Musselshell ranch!

My featured cook this week is Margie Bullinger of Reed Point, Montana. Thanks, Margie!

Mayonnaise Cake:

2 C. flour

1/2 C. cocoa

1 1/2 t. baking soda

1/2 t. salt

1 C. sugar

1 30 to 32 oz. jar mayonnaise

1 C. water

1 t. vanilla

Sift flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt together. Cream sugar, mayonnaise, water, and vanilla. Add dry ingredients to the creamed mixture. Pour into a greased and floured 9 X 13 pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes or until a toothpick tests clean.

Quick Lime Pie:

1 graham cracker crust

1 can sweetened condensed milk

8 oz. pkg. sour cream

1 small can lime juice concentrate

8 oz. Cool Whip

Beat cream cheese, milk, and juice. Fold in Cool Whip. Chill. Top with additional Cool Whip before serving if desired.

Farmer's Strata:

1 lb.sliced bacon, cut in 1/2 inch pieces

2 C. chopped fully cooked ham

1 small onion

10 slices white bread, cubed

1 C. cubed cooked potatoes

3 C. shredded Cheddar cheese

8 eggs

3 C. milk

1 T. Worcestershire sauce

1 t. ground mustard

pinch salt and pepper

In a skillet, cook bacon until crisp. Fry ham and onion in bacon grease and drain. In a greased 9 X 13 baking dish, layer half of the bread, potatoes, and cheese. Top with meat and onions. Repeat the bread layer. Beat eggs, milk, and seasonings well. Pour over all and cover. Refrigerate overnight. The next morning, remove the strata from the refrigerator about one half hour prior to baking. Bake uncovered at 325 degrees for 65 to 70 minutes until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.