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With Thanksgiving in the rear view mirror, I have theorized that apparently the clothes dryer has been shrinking my jeans. It could not be my penchant for eggnog and Christmas cookies, so it must be the dryer. The realization that my diet should include more salad than fudge somehow got me thinking about poor Santa and his obligation to eat all of those Christmas cookies. I wrote this little Christmas rhyme about Santa trying to fight the bulge with the Keto Diet. Special Bulletin From Santa —by Susan Metcalf 'Twas the m...
Being a recipe columnist implies a huge responsibility. One year many years ago, one of my infamous fan letters in the “Agri-News” complained, “The plum cake in Susan’s column was so bad my dog wouldn’t even eat it.” Turns out I had left out the word “self-rising” before flour in the ingredient list, and the reader ended up with plum colored hockey puck material. Recently, I made a mistake in one of my favorite recipes, Carol’s Heath Bar Cookies, but I did catch it and print a correction later. However, I realize not every...
One of the nicest compliments I receive is when readers tell me that they have hung my column on their refrigerator or mailed it to someone (often anonymously) to try to make a point humorously and semi-tactfully. Since we are going into the holiday feast season, and since several readers have asked me to rerun my code of conduct for the holidays column, I am sending out this list of Grandma's house rules that might serve as a gentle reminder for family dinner etiquette. Grouchy Grandma's House Rules for the Holidays: #1. I'm...
As Veteran’s Day approaches, my heartfelt gratitude goes out to all Veterans, but I especially feel deep sadness for those who served in Afghanistan who are feeling betrayed by their leaders who botched the exit and effectively erased all of their efforts as we handed the country back to terrorist organizations, gifted them 85 billion dollars worth of military aircraft, weapons, and equipment, and sacrificed many of the support personnel who were left behind with an unfulfilled promise that we would get them out. Time can n...
We have entertained a lot of international guests at our ranch over the years, and I am always amazed at how much they know about the United States--especially in comparison to what I know about their countries. We recently had guests from Toronto that found 47 of the 50 states’ license plates during their visit to Yellowstone Park. I still don’t know how that car from Hawaii ended up in the Old Faithful parking lot, but I saw it with my own eyes. What was an even more impressive feat was that those Canadians took a pie...
One of the unsung heroes of the horse world is the horse packer. He has to understand horse anatomy and mule psychology, spend long days in the saddle, have nerves of steel, a strong back, and it helps if he ends up in one piece at the other end of the trail. Jerry Yoder was the packer for the K Lazy 3 when it was owned by Brett and Julie Todd, and I was always really nice to Jerry (just ask him), because he was responsible for the eggs and other valuables that I needed to cook with. He also looked the other way when...
Many readers commiserated with me in my pack rat war that I recently recounted, but to be honest, the pack rat war was not the most fierce battle I ever fought as a camp cook. Now, hunting camp cooking is ordinarily a delightful experience! You get up at 3 a.m., try not to singe your bangs lighting the kerosene lamps, fire up the wood stove, cook all day, prepare elk heart appetizers, wait anxiously for hunters to arrive several hours past the optimum serving time of the entrees, and pack 50 gallons of water 2 buckets at a ti...
Every time I read a Baxter Black poem, I am inspired to become a cowboy poet, but "The Cremation of Sam McGee" by Robert Service is my favorite inspirational poem. It was his signature poem that launched his career. He got the idea from a story he heard while attending a party. He left the party, walked around in the woods all night composing the poem in his mind, and then sat down to pen it the next day. This poem is no "Sam McGee", and I am no Baxter Black, but when my favorite packers at the K Lazy Three told me this...
Seems like most battles these days are fought on social media where keyboard warriors try to change our perceptions, if not our lives, and it just might have the power to change the course of history. Everything we do now is chronicled on social media. World leaders are offended by each other's tweets. Perhaps Twitter and Facebook won't alter the course of history, but I cannot help but think they would have changed the perception of historic events if they had existed back in the day. With Columbus Day coming up, let me hypo...
by Susan Metcalf I spent Labor Day weekend in Burlington, Colorado helping my sister and brother-in-law, Jane and Shawn Bellows, host a national Iron Horsemen event. The amount of work involved in feeding three meals to approximately 400 motorcyclists gave new meaning to "labor day", but we (five of us sisters and sisters-in-law) pulled together as a team and got it done. The only thing that scared me about the weekend was feeding all of those people. The bikers themselves were not one bit scary. In fact, they are quite a...
The bull elk are starting to bugle, and this is the week that hunters are packing into the wilderness for the opening of early rifle season. One of the best things about working in the outfitting industry is helping clients fulfill lifelong dreams such as going on a wilderness elk hunt in Montana. Two of my favorite movies of all time are “Second Hand Lions” and “The Bucket List.” “Second Hand Lions” has the best last line of any movie, which is, “They really lived! Both movies are about living instead of dying, because when...
We have been in the retail/food service business now for two and a half months, and many readers have asked how that is going? The answer to that is very well after the first couple days. The first couple days were not our brightest shining moments I can tell you. On the first morning, patrons were lined up on the sidewalk fifteen minutes before we were supposed to open. We were fortunate that many customers were eagerly anticipating our opening. Our ribbon cutting ceremony was supposed to be the first thing that morning,...
Every year when we wrapped up our ranch vacation season and turned the "dude" horses out to pasture, I marveled at how they were the key to the success of our operation. These old ranch horses endure a lot of greenhorn mistakes, but they bring their riders safely back to the corral every single trip. Sure they get pretty smart about tricking their riders into letting them drop their heads for some bites of grass now and then or brush a little too close to some overhanging tree branches, but for the most part they are saints...
The chokecherries did pretty well this year despite the heat, drought, and smoke, so around our place that means the bears are coming down out of the Deer Creeks for a berry eating frenzy. I am always torn about mentioning bear visitors to our cabin guests, because I am afraid they will pack up and head out. I grew up on Sun Canyon Lodge, a guest ranch out of Augusta, Montana, where bears in the yard were almost daily events. Then a book and a movie entitled "Night of the Grizzlies" came out and effectively struck fear in...
School is about to start, which means teachers are having back to school dreams, kids are buying supplies and clothes, and parents are celebrating the fact that they made it through summer vacation. As an English teacher I am so excited to see that the Alberta Bair Theater is opening up again this year, and one of their performances is "Schoolhouse Rock Live." Two generations of students that passed through my classroom can sing all eight of the parts of speech songs by heart, and I know for sure what everyone on my...
All of my life I have heard stories about 1936. That was the summer that my Great Grandfather Roberts stopped eating, because he could not deal with the drought and Great Depression any longer. They had tried to winter their cows on slough grass hay from South Dakota which they had purchased for a king's ransom with all their savings, but the cows got thinner and thinner until most of them had to be shot. The grasshoppers were so bad they would eat the shovel handles left out at night. My father was 16 years old that summer h...
Just when my muscles have grown used to working, it is almost time to go back and sit at a desk as the school year approaches. The entire month of June, my body thinks it enlisted in the Army and no one told it. By July, the severe muscle cramps have subsided, and by August, I can walk up a hill without needing oxygen. Then, it is back to the office every day to let my muscles deteriorate for another nine months. My friend, Judy Sondeno, who lives near Sidney, Montana taught with me for many years. As colleagues, we dieted...
Often it is true that the dead become greater in death than they were in life. Such was not the case when our adopted dog, Marvin, died, and he became an international rock star on Facebook when within hours he received tributes from ranch vacation guests as far away as Germany, Norway, and Sweden. We adopted Marvin rather unwillingly when my Uncle Shorty Roberts died. Two years earlier, Shorty had asked me to take his constant companion, his Jack Russell terrier, Jackson, to be euthanized. It was time, so I had reluctantly...
It is a tough year in Montana with drought, grasshoppers, and now wildfires. As I write this, our Musselshell Ranch is under evacuation order from the Peterson Fire. We are praying that our place will be spared while knowing that our neighbors to the north are losing almost all of their pasture as the fire explodes, and we can only pray for their livestock, their structures, and the fire fighters. All we can really do is wait to see which way the wind blows the fire. My heart breaks for the affected landowners, because I...
I absolutely love kitchen tips, and I try to pass them along without too much commentary, but sometimes I just can't resist sharing comments about the actual practicality of those tips. For example, Martha Stewart claims that if you have a headache, you should rub a cut lime on your forehead. That might work, but it is a bit messy when there is a large body of research that suggests that if you add salt and tequila to the cut lime and ingest it, all of your aches and even your worries will go away! My friend Julie Kinsey...
To many of us, Independence Day is celebrated with rodeo. I hope that as you are celebrating this year with big beef burgers and a rodeo and hopefully no fireworks due to the extreme fire danger in this drought, you take some time to reflect on this amazing country that we are lucky to live in. I am pretty sure that I have gone to a rodeo on the fourth of July almost every year of my life. One of the best explanations of what rodeo is about was written by an amazing young rodeo cowboy that I have the privilege of knowing, Cha...
As I sit here today on Father's Day, I find it hard to believe that my father would have turned 102 this July. He has been gone for 24 years, but he still lives large in my memory. He was one of those people with the classic cowboy look, and that look landed him on the front of the Montana map tipping his hat during the 80's. During that time, he would be approached by tourists to have him sign their maps. The name of the photographer was identified as Harley Hettick, so when...
Summer is the time when I decide to roll up my sleeves and clean out some junk. However, my parents were children of the Great Depression, so I can still hear their voices ringing in my ears when I think about pitching stuff that could potentially have some use in the future--even though it has received no usage within the last 25 years. Marilee Robinson of Billings, Montana sent me her delightful book “East Meets West,” and one of her essays, which I have abridged this week, is called “Throwin' It Out.” I love her style o...
"Have you lost your mind?" Millie Woolley asked. "Yes, I thought you were smarter than that!" added Shelly Carroccia, as we stood outside the papered over storefront windows of the boutique my daughter Brooke and I are starting on McLeod Street in Big Timber. Of course, these women whom I greatly respect and admire, know what they are talking about regarding running a business and working really hard past retirement age, so I decided to completely disregard their warnings. Afterall, what could go wrong with our business plan...
I receive many submissions from readers, and I love to share them. However, in my 26 years of writing this column, I believe this is the funniest piece any reader has ever sent me. Thanks, Tom Ogle of Paris, Illinois for making me laugh out loud recalling your fond adventures on a Montana ranch in this story entitled "Montana Flat Tires and Rattlesnakes." On October 3, 2015 my dream of becoming "Tom Selleck in Montana" quickly became "Tom Ogle, just make it back to Paris, Illinois.” I had negotiated a stay at a real w...
